Dudies.

November 13, 2013

I’m trying to sit through Minority Report right now and it’s testing my patience in a serious way. After spending an inordinate amount of money studying writing at film school, all I can do is cringe because of what a shitstorm this movie is.

Can I just….. the budget for this movie was 100 million dollars. A LOT OF PEOPLE GAVE SPIELBERG 100. MILLION. DOLLARS. TO MAKE. THIS MOVIE.

Theoretically, and I know it’s difficult, you’re supposed to set up the rules of the universe of a sci-fi movie before the end of the first act. We’re also supposed to care about the main character a little bit. You know, figure out what their shit is about. Figure out why we’re waisting, (in my case) 2.5 hours on their journeys. I don’t give two shits about Tom Cruise, or his dead son, or his sad George Jetson dystopian life.

It’s mildly dreamy, and the idea of personalized advertising through reading someone’s eyeballs is interesting– but not interesting enough for me to care about it. I was so through with everything by the first five minutes that I almost turned the movie off. If my director weren’t such an awesome dude, I totally would have.

It struck me after I became fed up with every conceivable law of physics that was presented being immediately broken, that Minority Report is a dudie. A movie for dudes. What other kind of movie would have two dudes beating the shit out of each other, mano a mano on a fucking luxury car assembly line?

I don’t care about babes being submerged in water, actually, strike that….

BUT THIS STORY IS FUCKING BANANAS. AND NOT IN THAT INFURIATING INTERNET HYPERBOLE WAY. I HATE IT.  It’s ridiculous.

The fact that everyone in that movie is making more money than me, us, a lot of people.

AND THEY HAVE THE FUCKING AUDACITY TO USE BILLIE HOLIDAY’S SOLITUDE? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? SHIT ON ONE OF THE BEST JAZZ SONGS IN FUCKING HISTORY?

SERIOUSLY?

I…..am sorry for all of this ranting.

Perhaps if you’re a dude from the ages of 12-30 you enjoy this movie, I’m happy it exists for you, but I am beyond irritated.

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