Sick.

June 19, 2013

I haven’t had anything worthwhile to discuss in the last few months. Life has been a weird kind of crazy where the lack of stuff I’m doing is making me nuts; so I feel like I’m busy all the time, when in reality: I’m not doing a whole lot.

I’ve been meaning to write more; something Kat said to me at Blogcademy has become my mantra as of late: ALL PRACTICE IS GOOD PRACTICE. I’ve been trying to keep that in mind when I feel like I’m spending my time on frivolous pursuits. It’s been really freeing to not care about what I’m writing, or painting, or thinking about, or creating in general. Not feeling like I have to make it *be* anything in particular. (Or, more often for me *not* be anything in particular.) (Rather, resembling the particular thing I want it to.)(I don’t know.) (Parentheses are fun.)

I haven’t given up on bittaterrific, I just haven’t been in a place where I feel like my advice on how to do things would be helpful. I recently found out (or had a random revelation) that I probably have obsessive compulsive disorder. I don’t want to seem rash when suggesting such a thing; but when you burst into tears reading a random article that lists a lot of the symptoms it may be a sign, right?

I had this bloated and narrow view of OCD (as I do/did with most things). I thought OCD just manifested itself in terms of: On a scale of one to Adrian Monk, how do you feel?

Would you like a baby wipe with that handshake?

Would you like a baby wipe with that handshake?

 

I’m far from obsessively clean, but what I read in this article is that you don’t really have to be that to have OCD. I have to do certain things a certain way, or I start getting really panicky. Things that are stupid, like walking down the sidewalk without stepping on cracks (especially through Northeast Portland by Lloyd Center), holding my breath during intervals of the last minute (or so) of Lemon Jelly’s song Pushy, and when I was in screenwriting class, I’d always say “Iris Steensma” in my head while I was reading lines so I wouldn’t accidentally say something vile instead. (I had this weird fear of saying penis when I got to a word that began with “P” and saying Iris Steensma kept my brain on track for some reason.)

GeNiTaLzZzZ~*~*~*~*~

GeNiTaLzZzZ~*~*~*~*~

 

I used to look at these things as a game. Something to hold my focus. I didn’t realize they were considered compulsive behaviors that occurred due to certain sensory stimuli.

It’s been fun reading up on cognitive relearning and stuff; because I’ve been trying to retrain my brain out of having panic attacks over silly things for awhile. OCD seems to be the most treatable of the plethora of brain abnormalities I’ve recently been diagnosed with.

What I’ve realized having dealt with things on a more professional level a little bit through the last year is that I’ve developed all sorts of problems as coping mechanisms to deal with other problems. (In the last year I’ve been officially diagnosed with ADD and generalized anxiety disorder, and I realized that I would exaggerate how much I could be distracted by something so I wouldn’t have to deal with the uncomfortable side effects of anxiety.)

Now, having recently discovered that some of my weird tics are likely due to obsessive compulsive disorder, I’m wondering which mental ailment I started out with so I can work on correcting that one in hopes the others will follow suit. Given that the other things manifested as coping mechanisms, I figure that’s an ok hypothesis to have.

I hung out with Fif today and presented this as an idea to her, and a lightbulb went off in her brain almost.

“You know, that makes perfect sense!”

She let me borrow a book of her mother’s about the science of brain┬ámalleability.

….which lead me to gush about how excited I was that Linda Seger had released a book on subtext that was written specifically for scripts as opposed to whatever the bloated one that’s out for prose.

Here’s hoping the rest of 2013 will be full of progress!

I'm actually stupid excited to buy this, ngl...

I’m actually stupid excited to buy this, ngl…