bi-polar express.

December 23, 2012

This first statement is a LOL because a lot of people have been hopping on my hubris express lately because I wrote a post about the speculation surrounding Mariska Hargitay’s sexuality. Basically anyone who’s searched for “Maria Bello Gay” has ended up on my blog. So…welcome I guess? Whatever, they’re both babes. *sleazy wink*


Lately I’ve been experiencing something really odd. I’ve become the emotional personification of a yin-yang. Which, I can’t really complain about per say, as it’s been a dream of mine to experience some sort of internal equilibrium– but this feels severely out of whack.

Last Friday, before being able to process the shooting, I had a coffee date with my dance teacher of ten years. I’ve been helping her out with a lot of creative projects lately. We had gotten together initially to discuss what we wanted to do, which dissolved into a conversation about life in general, and it was really lovely. (Then again, having company when I get coffee is usually a welcome distraction.) The weather was crazy that day– and after leaving the coffee shop, I got caught in the biggest sun shower I’ve ever seen.

Now that I think about it, my last few months have been a sun shower. How can such a thing exist I wonder? That day, it was bright as could be, but simultaneously rain poured from the sky and onto my glasses. I crept down the hill to my house listening to Martial Solal, which filled my bones with such joy; but then I remembered the children, and the families in Connecticut, and my best friend’s own family who had just lost someone very dear to them.

It was strange.

I wanted so much to be able to fully enjoy my day, but my heart ached immeasurably for everyone who’d been affected by the weeks tragedies. How was this possible? I hadn’t fully surrendered to dispair, (after all, there were still many good things about life) but it remained an inescapable presence. I wanted to press those feelings down into my body and deal with them later– like when I normally deal with things; all at once. It may sound unproductive, but normally I’m able to feel overwhelmingly positive or negative. It comes in waves, as it always has; but I’m usually able to parcel through such emotional intensity without it causing much trouble. This time was extremely different. I’ve never felt GREAT! and TERRIBLE! at the same time.

This last week I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Sun showers, dead children, Christmas, heavy jazz that may or may not turn me into a mess of tears. I just can’t fathom all things being simultaneously fantastic and awful at the same time.

How do people do that?


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