Believe it, baby.

December 14, 2012

The other day I watched a movie called Straightheads. Someone posted a more, erm, shall I say explicit screencap (than the one below) on tumblr, and I was intrigued. tumblr_meybazKbdD1rmkqdqo1_1280

Gillian Anderson & gratuitous nudity? SIGN. ME. UP.

What I wasn’t expecting, is that when they said “gratuitous” they really fucking meant it. (No pun intended…) The entire movie just did. not. work. The plot, (on a night out, her and her stand-in beau get attacked after running into car trouble; and spend the rest of the movie trying to get revenge) had potential. When you read a logline like that, it’s like: “Yeah, hey, I would probably invest a little money into this project.”

Let’s start from the beginning, shall we? I’m not going to make this an excruciatingly long review; because since half the movie is like “HI. I’M GILLIAN ANDERSON, I’M ALSO REALLY ATTRACTIVE LET ME TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF FOR NO REASON” I can’t hate on it *too* much. With that said, I have a pretty clear picture of who was behind this film: a dude, likely in his 30’s, who was using the plot for some sort of sick wish fulfillment he had in his twenties to tap some really hot, reasonably older ass.

It was difficult to sit through the part where she got sexually assaulted, because it just felt like it came out of nowhere. Just like her deciding randomly to take a guy she’s just met, who’s HALF HER AGE, to a party in the middle of east-jesus-fucking-nowhere. Lest I mention, she comes onto him, again, out of nowhere, and they have sex in the woods, oh yes: the movie has been on for 15 minutes at this point. This entire movie just felt really forced. Nothing was happening for any flipping reason, the end was really abrupt, I didn’t really understand how they came to find a house, in the same woods as their “attacker” completely by accident, WHEN THEY BOTH LIVE IN THE GODDAMNED CITY. The house apparently belonged to Gillian’s character’s mother? Fuck. I have no idea.

I felt like I was watching an ill executed thesis film. I kept thinking about the crew, and the director, and shooting days and all of those shenanigans. Why? Because it was painful enough having to sit through the movie. I just thought I would top off the masochism with the thought of the director, addressing the entire cast and crew being like: “I think we really have something here, guys.” Or like, “Today we’re going to do the scene where you guys totally just fuck the living daylights out of each other.” Or like, “I got us some Pizzas for lunch  today.”

That always gets me when I watch a terrible movie. Knowing someone, at some point, believed that making it was a good idea. It just boggles my fucking mind.

The worst set I’ve ever been on was the first time I’d heard the “I think we’ve got something great, you guys” thing. It was a night shoot in the middle of Park Slope, and I’d been designated to captain team fire watch. (AKA make sure none of the shit gets stolen.) I went up to the apartment to get a cup of coffee during a duty tradeoff, when I hear the director be like: “Ok, so like, he’s gonna roll her a fat blunt, and TELL THEM TO MAKE EYE CONTACT AFTER THEY FUCKING CUM.” The director was shouting, at the AD, THROUGH A WALKIE, because the room was too small to fit everyone. and just. NO. JESUS NO. THE SCRIPT WAS SO TERRIBLE I WAS TEMPTED TO LIGHT IT ON FIRE IN FRONT OF HIS FACE AND THEN PEE ON IT TO PUT OUT THE FLAME. AND HE HAS THE GALL TO YELL AT THESE TWO, POOR YOUNG ACTORS ABOUT BLUNTS AND CUMMING AND I SWEAR TO GOD I WANTED TO KILL EVERYONE.

Pardon me, I forgot: they totally “had something really great”.

I don’t get it. I’ve seen so many great, and so many horrible films. I just can’t get over the fact that it took a multitude of people to believe in both in order for them to get made. Hm.


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