Nina Simo-ment

August 24, 2012

This week has been utterly the worst. I honestly (aside from hanging out with friends and having lovely cups of coffee between us) can’t think of anything that’s gone right. Nothing. This is rare. The universe has put me in this predicament of sheer hopelessness for a reason, I realize; likely to remind me of my poor decision making; but I have yet to figure out why. Last week I did something reprehensible that’s not fit for blogging about, and then got paid back for it rightfully this week with something else that I thought was benign but ended up rightfully hurting someone’s feelings. Again, not worth blogging about.

That said, I feel like I’ve been in this weird place lately that hasn’t yet been rewarded with that thing. That Nina Simo-ment. I say this because the last time I was feeling this completely and utterly terrible, I had my first listen of Ain’t Got No/I Got Life which just freed me from the chains of my malaise; if only for a moment. The time before that, I was feeling horrific, and Laurel Masse posted an amazing blog that ripped right to the core of my internal, insufferable sense of “blah.”

Let’s take today for example: aside from having a horrific time getting up (which didn’t end up properly happening until 2:30 this afternoon, yikes…) I went to have coffee with one of my best friends, she gave me the best late Christma-birthday present ever: 

Swear to God, I have the best friends.

After that, I went to kidnap one of my other best friends, and she suggested we go get Hotcake House (which was amazeballs), and after that we went to Laurelhurst Park and hung out for a bit before discovering the wonders of dog shaming. By all normal accounts, a great day. (Aside from the me getting up at 2:30 part.) So why did it end with me hauling ass down Burnside blasting the saddest fucking Janis Siegel album in her discography? Why did the frozen blueberries I just ate do nothing for me emotionally? Normally I love frozen blueberries! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I emailed my 6th grade English teacher, which usually makes me feel better; but I’m still here, in this space of extreme emotional emptiness waiting for my Simo-ment. I realize that I have become greedy. To expect this sort of, “Ah-ha!” moment that helps me keep it together another day is really unreasonable.

The other evening while watching Matilda (shutup) I was visited by a grasshopper. He just kind of, showed up. Then he jumped on my screen and hung out for a bit before hopping back onto my comforter and (hopefully) out through the open window. Despite being filled to the brim with seemingly unending anxiety and sadness; lately what’s been affording me moments of pleasure between Simo-ments has been a little bit of comp’ny.

Hopefully things get a bit better before they get worse; but this time I’m not sure I can say that with certainty.

Sorry for being a downer :/

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Milango

August 23, 2012

“Clive Barker lives in San Francisco with his partner and his pet bird Malingo,” says the Abarat dust jacket. This is how I think of her. She is not the yellow dressed now ex-best friend who locks herself in bathrooms. She is the breath of fresh air geshrat who accompanies our hero on long adventures; but more importantly, is her companion. She is the dreams of before sleep slumber party girl talk and keeper of notebooks and the penpal Nora Ephron writes movies about. Sometimes I think of us doing stupid giggly girl things and me forgetting about the hole that plagues my brain. She isn’t. I pigeon hole the idea of her into my lost puzzle piece, hoping something will come from my diligence. Somehow everything I want will fall into place and we will fight the world’s ills with GIRL POWAH and awesome other trivialities. We are superheroes.

This is where I think we will be. My fifteen year old self basks in this daydream for many moons. It turns into a fiery, and embarrassingly uncontrollable lust– which I realize later is a strong (weird) manifestation of my deep desire for companionship.

You know what’s cool? Aside from all the angst I’d felt over the years, I finally got what I wanted.